Still With Me
by DRRRLover1224
Summary: Two years have past since you left me, and I'm not going to lie and say that I've been moving on. You're gone...I know that, but...why does this boy remind me so much of you? Sequel to "When the Last Snowflake Falls." Shizaya, Yaoi, ONESHOT


"…Two years is…a very long time, isn't it?"

"…Yeah. It is."

The man in front of me shifted his glasses before sipping his cup of tea. I sighed as I did the same.

"…Have they…figured out what it was?"

The doctor shook his head, "No. I've even done a little testing myself along with dad, but…we come up empty-handed every time."

"…I see. You shouldn't work so hard." I smiled pushing my blonde bangs out of my face.

"Nah," the other man replied leaning back, "You sound just like Celty, but working is all I can do now. I promise, I'm…I'm going to find out what it was that…that-"

Seeing him tremble, I held my hand out, standing up, "No – you don't have to tell me because I know will. You're kind of a weirdo…but you've never let me down before. I'm counting on you…Shinra."

The brunette pinched his nose and stood up as well with a sincere smile, clasping my hand in his, "Thank you, Shizuo…by the way, you told me you had somewhere to go today."

I nodded putting on my coat. Winter has come back again.

"Yes…I'm going to see him today."

* * *

Trudging through the snow-filled sidewalk of Ikebukuro, I walk with a steady pace clutching a few things in my arms. I'm almost positive that no gang is going to jump me today, or any other day since two years ago. People know that I'm not the same. The strongest man of Ikebukuro is not supposed to have tired bags around his eyes and pale skin from lack of sleep. He doesn't tremble like a cornered mouse, and he definitely doesn't tear up for any reason. Instead, he's supposed to berate the ones who do.

Yeah, that's not me anymore.

I stop and look up at the sky after I felt something wet falls on my head. That one drop turned to two, then to four, and then got innumerable. Thousands of the little white snowflakes began to fall, coating my hair in a mixture of blonde and white. My lips twisted into small smile as I brushed it out of my hair. It was bitter, my smile, I mean - nothing warm.

_I bet you'd actually enjoy this_, I thought, walking faster to prevent any hysterics in public.

Where I was going was going to both heal me and depress me. I didn't go last year. It just hurt too much, and I barely went out of my house anyway. You'd think that smoking a few cigarettes would fix me for a while, but I haven't had the heart to smoke in the last seven or eight months. Hell, I'm starting to think that even waiting two years wasn't enough time. Shinra and Celty both pushed me to go out anyway despite my depression, and I guess that's why I'm out here now, showing to the rest of the population how broken Shizuo Heiwajima really is.

I approach my destination, surrounded by a black iron fence but with a large opening in the front. There's no one here, as far as I can see, and I step cautiously in the grass. I'm searching for the right spot and I finally find it, about a few meters away from the entrance. I stand in front of it, feeling the crooked headstone dumping the despair into me. I close my eyes after brushing away some of the ice and say the engraving slowly.

"'Izaya Orihara – beloved man to us all.'"

I can already tell that's a lie.

Just about everyone in this city wanted him dead. He was pure for the last few years of our relationship, but it was nothing like that before when I actually wanted him dead. All the lives he's taken away, all the set-ups he's done to innocent people, almost getting some gang members killed with his deep information – I'm surprised that some of these victims of his actions came to funeral when they did.

I shake my head and get on my knees. I start to unload some of the items in my hands. The first thing was Shippa, Izaya's stuffed panda bear. There were a few small holes with the stuffing threatening to spill out, but the red ribbon that I put on it still remained intact. When he was still alive, it sickened me to even look at the thing, but now, I need it more than ever during the long nights, sitting it on my nightstand as it watched over me.

Next, I take out the bouquet of white roses that he loved to go look at in various flower shops. He always begged me to get him some one day, and when he started getting sick, my house was covered in the white rose petals. It was a mess, but Izaya enjoyed every bit of it.

The very last thing was a picture in a silver frame. The very last one that I have of him alone to be exact. It was autumn, a few weeks after we started dating, and Izaya and I were heading back to see Raira Academy just for a look. It was a weekend, so no students were there except a few student council members ready to leave. We walk up the steep path, with a few leaves spread out here and there, and Izaya found the tree that Kyohei, Shinra, he, and I would eat under for lunch.

He didn't hesitate to shimmy up the thick trunk and plant himself on a sturdy branch. It shook a bit, making some of the leaves fall to the ground, but otherwise, he kept still. He giggled at the newfound height and I smiled, taking the digital camera out of my jacket pocket. I remember saying something about how great it would be to capture the moment when he fell, and he pouted. I rose the camera up in my hands, and the wind blew just right, making Izaya look as if he was flying with the breeze when he held his arms out like an airplane, smiling brightly and blushing.

_"Ne, Shizu-chan! Don't you wish that you could fly?"_

_"Not really."_

_"Really?! Wow…I would love to. Having that wonderful wind blow through your clothes and hair as you fly through the clear, open skies – I could care less about where I was going as long as I kept on…I'll be just like a paper airplane or a dove."_

_"You say some of the weirdest stuff sometimes…"_

_"It's not weird! You're just jealous 'cause you didn't think of that! Trust me, though: If I could fly, don't ever think that I wouldn't take you along with me. You believe me, right?"_

_"…Of course."_

_"Well, I can promise you that…I love you, Shizu-chan."_

_"…I love you, too…Izaya-kun…"_

_"So, so much?"_

_"And forever and always."_

Snowflakes fall on the somewhat dusty glass, cleaning it as my tears do the same. I let them run down my cheeks, warming me, and eventually I come to and wipe them away. I place the picture frame next the headstone as well as setting the roses on the lump of dirt. I straighten myself on my knees and try to pray for him, to let him know that I'm alright and to let his soul pass on, but images of that day swarm through my head. New tears are forming in my eyes, and they continue to run.

"_Izaya…_" I whisper, my voice breaking already, "_I know you must be happy…you're flying, aren't you? Everything is going great down here, too. Shinra's doing his very best to figure out what killed you, but…you probably don't even care about that. Celty's moving along greatly without her head, Kyohei is still on the road with those two little crazy otaku teens, your secretary is still lusting over her brother, Kasuka got put in a new movie and he's in the States right now, and…I'm…_"

I trembled and let out a quiet sob, "_…I-Izaya, I'm…I'm trying so hard for you. I can feel that you're so happy right now, but I…I can't…_"

The pent up sadness and ache that lingered in my heart from the past 730 days let itself out in painful cries and more spilt tears. I sob, almost nonstop, and I lean forward, still on my knees, planting my face in the wet snow to muffle my noise. I hiccup violently and clench my fists.

"_…Why…why can't I be there with you?_" I manage to say, "_You promised me that if you were able to fly, you'd take me with you…right? Oh, God, Izaya…_"

I can't take it. I just want to die. If I have to throw myself into a busy street, then so be it. If I have to fall from the tall building where plenty of others have met their deaths, then so be it. If I have to crush my skull into a brick wall a million times then a million times more, then so be it.

All I want is him. I'd give my own life for just a piece of him. No one knows how much I loved that man.

"…Mister…? It's…it's alright…"

I reduce my wails to a slight sniffle when I feel a small hand rubbing my back. I then feel two arms embrace me from behind, two arms that could only belong to a child.

"There, there," the child whispered, "Don't cry…"

I sit up a bit to turn my head slightly and meet the child's gaze.

Raven black hair.

Frail, slender hands.

A white and pink button-up fluffy jacket.

Sparkling magenta eyes.

A blush dusting the cheeks.

A tender smile that warmed me completely.

My brown, puffy eyes widened at the little boy in front of me. He looked about six or seven, and he clutched headphones in his pale hands that matched his jacket. I quickly wipe away the snow, tears, and other fluids off my face. I sniffle and nod reassuringly to try not to worry the boy.

"No…no, it's okay. I'm fine."

"You don't look fine, Mister…" the little boy mused, "The minute Psyche walked in, Psyche saw you huddled up crying your eyes out. Y'know, Psyche's best friend told him that big boys don't cry, and big boys shouldn't lie about it if they do, either."

I can't help but chuckle at the childish language, but I nod anyway.

"Yes, that's right. Big boys don't need to cry. They should use that energy to protect the ones they love, right?"

He giggled, "Mm-hmm! Psyche's best friend never lied to him!"

"…I take it your Psyche then?"

"Yup! People say it's a weird name, but Psyche's best friend said that he loved Psyche's name!"

"Ah," I say sucking my tears up, and the little boy frowns.

"Psyche introduced himself to you, now you gotta tell Psyche your name. It's only fair!"

I chuckled again, but this time a bit stronger, "Sorry. My name is Shizuo Heiwajima."

Psyche bowed slightly, "Nice to meet you, Shizu-chan."

I jumped. No other person in all of Ikebukuro calls me that other than Izaya. Could this be…?

"Oh, Psyche's sorry! Did Psyche's new nickname for you upset you?"

I shook my head and gave the boy a warm smile.

"No, it's fine. But, you have to answer something for me."

Psyche's eyes brightened, "'Kay, what is it, Shizu-chan?"

"…Why exactly…are you here, Psyche?"

The young boy's bright eyes suddenly went dark for a second and he lowered his head. His orbs seemed fixated on the snow, and I rubbed his head. His hair was just as soft and silk as Izaya's, but I said nothing of it.

"Tell me," I urged, "A young boy like you shouldn't be out here in this cold by yourself, especially in a cemetery. You'll get pneumonia."

Psyche pulled his head up and looked at me.

"Shizu-chan has to tell Psyche why he's here first."

I sighed, "Fine, then."

I turned him towards Izaya's grave and spoke softly, "I'm here to see him. Izaya Orihara was his name."

Psyche stared at the gravestone in awe, and tilted his chin up.

"How did Izaya-kun die then?"

I feel myself about to cry again, but I just swallow the big lump in my throat and try to explain, "Well, two years ago, Izaya-kun got…very, very sick. The doctors didn't know what was wrong with him, and they still don't know now, but…when he and I met, he wasn't very strong even though he tried his very best whenever he was with me. A bit stubborn if you want to call him that."

"Izaya-kun stayed at my house for a long time, and we both waited for him to get better. Those long days turned into months, and Izaya-kun kept begging me to let him go outside."

"Did Shizu-chan let him?"

"…Not at first. I was worried that he wouldn't make it all the way to…wherever it was that we were going. Izaya-kun just really wanted to see the snow, and even though he…he collapsed during the walk, he finally got two of his wishes granted."

"Two?" Psyche asked confusedly. I nodded, putting my arms protectively over the boy's shoulders.

"Yes. One was to go outside and play with me in the snow, but before all that happened, Izaya-kun told me a secret. He said that he always had this dream that he was able to fly, so when he died, he had a smile on his face, as happy as could be."

Psyche took all of that in and finally sighed, tracing his fingers on the crooked stone.

"Was he your best friend?"

"…Something like that." I knew he wouldn't understand if I told him that we were something more than friends.

"Oh…" the boy mumbled, "Shizu-chan?"

"Yes, Psyche?"

"…Can…can Psyche introduce Shizu-chan to Psyche's best friend?"

I smiled and looked around, "Of course. Where is your best friend?"

Psyche took my oversized hand in his miniscule one and stood me up, not before I grabbed Shippa and the picture and put them under my arm. He began to walk, taking me with him, and I gave him a confused look. Psyche kept his pace, and eventually led me to another section in the cemetery. I widen my eyes and realize why he's here.

Psyche smiled nonetheless and bowed down to the small headstone.

"This is Tsu-chan, Psyche's best friend. Tsu-chan's real name is Tsugaru, but he let Psyche call him Tsu-chan."

"I see…" I say, "How old was he?"

Psyche cutely poked a finger towards his cheek in thought, "Psyche remembers Tsu-chan being a bit older than him, so since Tsu-chan died about a year ago, we were either five or six."

"Ah…if you don't mind me asking, what happened to him?"

The little boy took a deep breath and replied, "Tsu-chan and Psyche used to play around the streets of Ikebukuro all the time. Psyche didn't have parents and neither did Tsu-chan, so we looked out for each other, going anywhere we wanted. Whenever Psyche bumped into people on accident, Tsu-chan would always apologize for him. Tsu-chan was just that nice and always did good."

I nodded, and he paused.

"Tsu-chan said that he had something he wanted to give Psyche. It was no special day, just regular. Psyche skipped all the way to the sweet shop where he and Tsu-chan always meet to go play, and Psyche found him on the bench by himself. Tsu-chan had a little bag with a pink bow tied around it and gave it to Psyche."

The raven child squeezed the headphones in his hand tighter, and my eyes softened.

"Was that the present he gave you?"

Psyche nodded solemnly and spoke quieter.

"It was…the very first gift that Tsu-chan ever bought Psyche…"

I petted his head, telling him to go on.

"Tsu-chan took Psyche to play again after that, and Psyche was so excited that he wore them just about the whole time with his mp3 player turned up loud. Psyche remembers Tsu-chan laughing at how Psyche danced."

"Mm-hmm, then what happened?"

"…Tsu-chan's favorite song played…and…and Psyche began to dance and run faster, turning the song way up…but…Psyche didn't realize that he had wandered into the road…Psyche thinks he heard Tsu-chan calling to him, but…Psyche was too scared of the blinding light that was coming down the road…"

"Yes…" I whispered, "Then what did you do?"

Psyche looked down and shook his head slowly, almost whining.

"Psyche…doesn't remember…Psyche only can remember when he woke up from being so scared…the light had stopped coming toward him…and…and…"

"Psyche…?"

He whimpered, "Psyche…was lying down…with Tsu-chan on top of him in the road. His eyes were closed…and he…he was bleeding all over Psyche…a lot of weird men in white came and…they took Tsu-chan and Psyche away from each other…Tsu-chan…didn't wake up after that…"

I kneeled down and squeezed him lovingly, rubbing his cold cheek, "So, Tsugaru saved you from the car?"

"Yes…the men in white said that if Psyche wanted to see Tsu-chan again, Psyche would have to come here…" he murmured, "…Shizu-chan?"

"Hmm?"

"...Will Shizu-chan bow to him with Psyche again, please?"

I whispered calmly, "Of course."

Both of us bowed to the small child in the grave, and after coming back up, I heard sniffling. I look down to see two pink orbs staring at me with tears in them.

"Can Psyche tell Shizu-chan what else Tsu-chan would always tell him?"

"Yes, what is it?"

"…He said that…that sometimes…it was okay to cry…when you're in the right place and time…Shizu-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it…is it alright now?"

I didn't respond, and he looked at me wondering if saying that had been a mistake. I surprised him by lifting him up and cuddling him against my shoulder. I rubbed his back and rocked him, warming both of us.

"Psyche, "I whispered in his ear, "Big boys have to cry sometimes."

The child in my arms tensed a bit then hiccupped, fighting to hold back his tears. Suddenly, he clutched on to me, burying his face in the crook of my neck, and started to cry. I felt the wetness drip onto my jacket and my shoulder, but it didn't matter to either of us. Psyche sobbed louder, letting all his sadness pour out of him, and he spoke as he did.

"Tsu-chan…Psyche is…Psyche's so sorry…It's all Psyche's fault…"

I can only imagine how much guilt Psyche has after this happened, thinking that he was responsible for his friend's death, but…I can't say that I didn't feel the same way when Izaya died right in front of me, in my own arms. I could've forced him to go back to the house, could've made him stay home, but it would've killed both of us if I didn't do what I did.

Izaya knew that.

"Psyche, I want you to listen to me for a sec." I said, but he didn't respond as he sobbed.

"Psyche?" The boy lifted his head and clumsily wiped the tears staining his face.

"H-hmm?"

"Tell me, why do you think that Tsugaru told you that big boys don't cry?"

He sniffled and shrugged his shoulders.

"It's because he never wanted to see you sad, 'cause that would make him sad, right?"

The little boy nodded.

"So won't it hurt him more to see you thinking that it was your fault he was killed?"

Psyche thought about it for a minute and nodded again.

"He saved you, Psyche. He wasn't going to let anything hurt you, even at the cost of his own life."

Psyche gave a tired sigh and rested his head on my shoulder.

"Is that true, Shizu-chan?" he asked hopefully, "Is Tsu-chan really not mad at Psyche?"

"He's not mad, Psyche," I whisper, stroking his hair with my other hand, "He's not mad at you at all. I could almost say that he's happy right now."

Psyche sighed again, this time in relief, and I set him down slowly. I helped him wipe his eyes with my thumbs. I rubbed his head and smiled down at him. After sniffling a couple of times, he blushed and smile back at me.

I held out my hand, "Come on, it's getting late."

"...Can Psyche stay with Shizu-chan for tonight?"

I flinched, but I couldn't stop looking at the pinkish eyes that bore a pleading look.

"…Alright." I finally answered, "I'll make you some hot cocoa when we get there – how does that sound?"

Psyche nodded excitedly and grasped my hand tighter. As we made our way towards the cemetery's gate, Psyche suddenly stopped.

"What is it?" I asked him curiously.

"Izaya-kun…his stone thingy is crooked…can Shizu-chan…fix it?"

I chuckled at the request, and I said yes. I trudged through the snow to Izaya's gravestone. Using only one hand, I grabbed the side and pushed it to the side, making it straight again. Psyche stood back and made an angle shot with his hands.

"Perfect." He said at last, walking next to me getting on his knees. He closed his eyes and put his hands together. He opened one eye and shot a look at me to do what he was doing.

When on my knees, I began to pray to my deceased lover again.

_Izaya…please know that I never could replace you, but…you've now given me something that only I can protect and love. He's a part of you - I can already feel that he is. Your beauty, smile, stubbornness, I dare say, and heart are all within this boy. You've seen how lonely I was and how I've been slipping into a dark, dark place lately…it made your heart ache didn't it? I hate making you worry - you know that I always did, so you brought him to me…Thank you, Izaya…I love you…_

_…So, so much and forever and always._

* * *

**God, I hate making people cry! (not that I do on a regular basis...) This kinda helped me with my writer's block for "Hush, Little Bartender, Don't You Cry". I felt that an aftermath of some sort would do some good for "When the Last Snowflake Falls". Oh, and uh, heads up: fanfics like these don't usually have a chapter added to them - they're just oneshots, so no need to follow them!**


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